Bloody Hell Weasley!
by kay.kay
Summary: Harry & Pansy just got together. She & Blaise have been together. And now Hermoine thinks its time Draco and Ron found love too. But as she starts pushing random girls towards them, she discovers just who the two really need. Each other.
1. Default Chapter

Chapter One: Let The Plotting Begin

_Harry and bloody Pansy… together… as in my best friend…with…_

Ron hit his head against the wall and let out a long, angst-filled groan. The news of the latest couple to hit Hogwarts just reached his ears, and he felt the need to celebrate…by banging his head against the wall till amnesia set in.

Bang. _Why._ Bang. _Does. _Bang. _This. _Bang. _Always. _Bang. _Happen. _Bang. _To…_

"Having fun there Weasley?"

The redhead turned his head slightly to find an amused Draco Malfoy, back against the wall and eyebrow raised. Ron only groaned even more before continuing his "celebration". Easy silence settled between the two, as the sound of a head against stone filled the air.

"You do remember what happened the last time we were here, don't you?"

Draco.

Ron stopped all movements, and gave a side-glance to the smirking blonde beside him. "You mean when Blaise and Hermoine decided to tell…no _show_ me that they were in a relationship?" the redhead asked with a grimace. Oh yea, he remembered that night…all to well.

"And what, Mr. Weasley did we learn from that night?" Draco continued, the sarcasm practically dripping from every word.

Ron tried to search his brain for whatever the hell Malfoy was getting at. Images of that fateful day –Hermoine and Blaise snogging the hell out of each other, Harry standing there with his mouth agape like a fish, and Draco blinking…profusely– came to mind until, yes, Ron finally remembered. He, on that same day, decided to "celebrate" by banging his head into the wall until amnesia set in. _Boy did that plan fail._

"And what's the point Malfoy?" Ron snapped angrily. "If I want to bang my head, let me at least do it in peace."

"Yes Weasley, but let me remind you…that it was I who had to carry your nearly brain-dead self up the damn stairs and into the Hospital Wing. Not Potter. Not Granger. Not Pansy. But me."

"Well Draco, I suppose I should commend you for your heroic efforts," Ron retorted with as much sarcasm, "Though for all the bruises you left me when you dropped me down the stairs _accidentally_…I'd rather not." Before Draco could reply with some snappish comment of his own, the redhead continued, "And anyways Draco, if memory serves you…Harry couldn't help me because he fainted on the damn spot…Hermoine obviously couldn't because she was busy snogging the hell out of your best friend and well…I wouldn't let Pansy touch me…ever…"

And for the second time that night, the very fact that his best friend was snogging… _her_ hit him like a ton of bricks.

"Oh God…poor Harry!" He continued to bang his head into the wall.

"And what the hell is wrong with one of your best friends dating one of my best friends?"

Ron looked at Draco incredulously, before replying monotonously, "Do you want to see Harry and Pansy snogging everywhere like Blaise and Hermoine do?"

Ron watched the Slytherin for a moment, as a thoughtful expression appeared on the pale boy's face.

Bang. _Oh. _Bang. _God. _Bang._ Oh. _Bang. _God._

"Now who's being the stupid one?"

"… shut up and bang your head already."

Hours later, two boys, with large bruises on their forehead, appeared in the Gryffindor Common Room. Many people turned their heads in excitement, only to turn away in boredom. It was no longer a novelty to see Ron and Draco walking together without attempting to throttle one another. Automatically, the two moved to Draco's favorite couch –the only one that wasn't horribly decked in red and gold– and dropped languidly onto the cushions.

"Remind me never to let you do that to me ever again," Draco moaned, as he conjured an ice pack for his head.

Ron mumbled the same spell, before replying, "Oh sod off. You started on your own accord."

Draco bit back a quick retort, not wanting to hurt his head anymore. It seemed the more he moved…or talked even, the more pain he felt from the bruise. That was something he did not want to experience at all.

"Well, well, well," said a familiar voice, as the looming figure of Hermoine came into view. The two boys just groaned in reply, trying desperately to block out the Head Girl before them. _Trying_, being the key word.

"Hermoine really," Ron pleaded, as he held the cold bag over his head, "Draco and I already know exactly what you're going to say. So no need for a lecture."

Hermoine placed her hands on her hips, as an amused smirk played on her lips. "Really now," she replied smoothly, silently daring them to interrupt, "And this is coming from the boy who practically beats his brains out on occasion."

This time it was Draco who retorted. "Well if you guys," he glared at Hermoine, and now a smirking Blaise who appeared besides her, "Would stop hooking up with each other, or at least snogging everywhere, then Weasley and I wouldn't have to. And speaking of which, I hear the bane of our existences coming right about…now."

Just as Draco's lips formed his last word, the door to the Gryffindor Common Room slammed open, revealing a smirking Pansy. Behind her trailed Harry, who was blushing profusely. Draco closed his eyes and tried to rid of all mental pictures of his best friend and…not so best friend doing…bad things. Unfortunately for him, Pansy decided to, at that exact moment, tell him about their latest escapade.

"So what did you guys do while Harry and I were snogging in the Astronomy Tower?" Pansy asked as she dropped herself onto Harry, who was situated on an adjacent couch. He wrapped an arm around her waist, and pulled her closer to him. Ron immediately gagged, earning himself a deep glare from Pansy…and Harry…and Hermoine…and Blaise.

"What?"

"Ron, really. You've already survived Granger and Blaise going at it like rabbits. You would think you'd be used to the public displays of attention by now," Pansy spoke very smugly, as a teasing smile tugged at her lips.

"Harry! Pansy's being mean," Ron whined, trying to make himself sound like a little lost and lonely kid. Unfortunately, with his towering height of 6'4, it didn't do much.

"See Pansy, look what you made poor Weasley resort to," Draco replied, supporting Ron in the plea to end any form of PDA in his near vicinity. He motioned to the pouty redhead with the ice bag falling over his eyes. "He doesn't deserve this cruelty!"

Blaise snorted, causing all eyes to set upon him. He looked at Draco with cool eyes. "Well Draco, I think your problem is jealousy. Really now if you wanted Harry all to yourselfOww, bloody hell man I was only kidding!"

"Kidding my arse," Draco grumbled under his breath, his fist still poised in the air. He watched with satisfaction as a bruise similar to his formed on Blaise's right cheek.

"Malfoy, really. How immature of you," Hermoine spat at him once she tended to Blaise's wound. "And maybe Blaise is right."

"BLOODY HELL GRANGER, I DO NOT LIKE"

"And we all thank God for that," Harry cut in, a smirk on his features. Draco stuck out his tongue at the "boy wonder". Harry's smirk only deepened. "But yea, I think Hermoine and Zambini have a point. You need someone special."

Ron nudged Draco on the shoulder, as a huge grin appeared on the redhead's face. "Sucks for you Malfoy."

"Oh that means you too Ron."

"You know they're plotting something," Ron heard Draco mumble as the two headed down to Prefect duties. He nodded in reply, but remained silent. Thoughts were jumbling in his head, and he wasn't too happy about it. "At all cost, we must resist! Resistance!" Now that comment from Draco made Ron laugh out loud.

"Resistance? Have you been sneaking into Hermoine's stash of Muggle movies again?" Ron asked once the laughter died down. He sent a look of suspicion to the blonde who was blushing slightly.

"No…" the Slytherin replied slowly, before throwing his hands in the air and crying out, "Fine, so I did." He glared at Ron accusingly, "But it's not like I'm the only one. You were there with me!"

"Only because Hermoine, Zambini, Harry and Parkinson were busy with a snog fest," he sent Malfoy a pointed look, "And you know how I'd rather watch grass grow than see them at it."

"And have you been sneaking into Blaise's stash of 'cliché muggle sayings' again?" Draco replied with an eyebrow raised. Ron punched him playfully on the arm, and he rubbed the "bruise" with faux indignation. "Weasley!"

Ron only stuck out his tongue. "Really Malfoy, I barely touched you." He mentally grinned when Draco's gray eyes narrowed further. The redhead "fought back" with a glare of his own, only to burst out laughing a few seconds later. Pretty soon, Draco joined him as the two continued walking down the empty corridor.

"Oh gosh I hope their plotting doesn't involve a closet like last time," Draco said as their laughter died down. The two were now leaning against a stone wall, watching the paintings softly talk with one another.

Ron sighed loudly as the memory of that day came to mind…

It was probably the week after Hermoine and Blaise started dating when Ron and Draco's fights started to escalate to new heights. Not only did the traditional insults fly from their mouths, but fists too. Soon magic became involved in the mix, and then trips to the Hospital Wing. Obviously Madam Pomfrey was not happy at all. It wasn't helpful that Hermoine, Blaise, Harry and Pansy believed that it would be good to hang out at _every possible moment._ So after receiving their tenth detention –from Snape of course– and losing approximately 100 points from both houses, Hermoine decided to devise a plan to settle their argument. A plan, unfortunately for the two, that involved a closet.

Ron remembered the exact moment when Zambini grabbed hold of his arms, and started to drag him off with a very happy Hermoine trailing just a few inches behind them.

"What are you guys bloody doing?" the peeved redhead asked, while attempting to loosen Blaise's hold. Blaise, Ron noticed unhappily, was pretty strong for being only 5'6 and extremely lithe. "Really guys I have to do homework!"

"Ronald Weasley don't give me that bullshit," Hermoine yelled from behind, as she tugged his ear like a parent would to a small naughty child, "I've known you for too long to know that you would rather _die_ than do homework."

"Fine, fine. Be a smarty arse Moine," Ron whined unhappily, his ear now tinged red, "Now can you let me go?"

"No," another voice said, as the figures of Harry, Pansy and a disgruntled Draco came to view.

"Don't tell me you got dragged into this too?" Ron asked Draco once the trio came closer. He laughed mentally at the sight of a pouty Draco being held captive by both Harry and Pansy, i.e. Pansy holding him by the ear while Harry prodded him from behind with his wand.

"Can't you tell Weasel? Or are you too stupid to comprehend even simple things like that?" Draco shot back angrily, though much of his anger was directed at the two holding him hostage rather than the redhead before him. "Goddamn Pansy, let me fucking go now before I hex you to next week."

"Don't you dare threaten to hex me Draco Malfoy!" Pansy yelled back, tugging his ear much harder. Everyone, but Blaise, cringed at her deadly tone. "Because of you and Weasley, both houses have lost 100 points in total! And though you may not give a fucking shit about that, the rest of us do! We will not sit idle while Hufflepuff takes the bloody lead in House Points!"

"Hufflepuff is in the lead?" both Draco and Ron yelled out in complete surprise, before snapping back into their glaring contest.

"Your fault."

"Fuck you."

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Hermoine interrupted, a very deep frown on her features. Harry tried to calm her down, but at the sight of Ron and Draco trying to beat each other to death, her fury only increased. And when Ron accidentally elbowed Blaise in the nose while trying to punch Draco's lights out, she was pissed…as hell. "Harry," she spoke harshly, though trying to keep her cool, "Give me the keys right now."

"But Hermoine," Harry whispered back, visibly cringing at the sound of a fist on bone, "Look at them. They're going to kill each other if we stick them in the closet."

Across from them, Pansy yelled out, "Potter, just give her the keys already!" He looked to see Blaise pleading with him too, before Ron elbowed him in the jaw.

Quickly, he handed the keys to Hermoine, who in turn opened the closet door. Then, with one quick swoop, Pansy and Blaise shoved the boys inside. Ron and Draco were too busy fighting to notice the door slamming shut or the pitch black darkness. But they did notice the sound of Hermoine's voice drifting from the crack under the door.

"…And you'll be staying in there until morning…unless you're fighting of course. Then it'll be ANOTHER TWO DAYS!"

Ron immediately rushed to the door and started banging his fists. "Hermoine you cannot bloody do this to me! Let me out now!"

A few seconds later, a desperate Draco joined him in the onslue of pleas and begs. "Blaise please get me out of here! I'll never steal your scented markers ever again!"

"Scented markers?" Ron asked with an incredulous look on his face, "Aren't those muggle…and toxic?"

"Oh shut up Weasel…" but before Draco finished, the sound of footsteps drifted into his ears. "Fuck."

"What?" Ron asked, placing his ear to the door. Suddenly, realization hit. "THEY'RE ACTUALLY LEAVING US!" He started to bang the door even harder, praying that some kind soul would help him out of this mess.

"That's not going to work Weasel," he heard Draco say across the closet room. Ron turned his head to find the Slytherin leaning against the farthest wall, with his head bowed and lips twisted to a scowl. "We're trapped here for the night."

"Don't think I know that idiot?" Ron shot back, as he angrily moved to the overturn mop bucket on the floor. He settled down upon it with a thud, and glared angrily at the pale boy before him. "I hate you."

"Likewise," was Draco's cool reply, though the hatred could be seen in his eyes as well, "Though right now I hate your stupid friends even more…and mine for that matter."

"No kidding," Ron grumbled, rubbing his forehead to rid of the stress. This was the worst night of his life. Even more horrible than the time George and Fred transfigured his bed into a giant spider, and he _absolutely _hated spiders.

"Weasel, there's a spider by your foot."

"AHHHHH!" Ron screamed at the top of his lungs as he started kicking in random places. "Where the fuck is it?"

"Well Weasel, how the hell am I supposed to now with all the racket you just made," Draco continued in his usual drawl, though a smirk was now prominent, "And anyways, I think it's still coming towards your shoe…actually it's touching the shoe and crawling up yourbloody hell what are you doing Weasel?"

"What the hell does it look like you stupid ferret?" Ron shot back, though there was some fear eminent in his voice.

"You're hiding behind me that's what you're bloody doing. Now get away from me!" Draco desperately tried to pull the redhead from behind, but was met with a lot of opposition. "Why are you bloody freaking out anyways?" But by this time, he received no answer as Ron began to hyperventilate. Meaning, he just found the spider and didn't like it one bit. "Weasel…idiot… IF YOU'RE THAT FRIGHTENED TO DEATH" Draco then moved forward, and with a swift move of his shoe, squashed the spider into oblivion.

"Malfoy you… you just…"

"Killed a fucking spider?" Draco finished for him, an eyebrow raised in disbelief. Never have he seen his archenemy so freaked out. From what he knew from experience and the stories from his best friends, Ron Weasley never showed any fear…ever. And now here was the tough redhead, leaning against the wall and breathing heavily as if he'd just battled a dozen Dementors. Weird. "Weasley…you're okay right?"

And as if he snapped out of some reverie, the frightened look upon Ron's face was replaced with its usual frown. "Yea. Just…hate spiders." He shivered as the word escaped his lips.

"Well they are nasty little buggers," Draco replied, as he made his way to lean against the wall besides Ron, "They practically took over my Father's basement last summer."

"Should've been there when Harry and I met Hagrid's huge spider…friend," Ron continued on, "Things are bloody huge."

Draco laughed lightly. "And let me guess, you nearly pissed in your pants."

"Oh shut up," Ron replied, as a red tint appeared on his cheeks. He sent a side-glance towards Draco. "I bet you would've though…ferret."

Draco rolled his eyes at the nickname that stuck to him ever since fifth year when Moody so graciously transfigured him into one. "You will never let that go will you?"

"Nope," was Ron's simple answer. After a few moments of silence, Ron spoke again, "Malfoy."

Draco, his eyes already droopy and laced with weariness, mumbled sleepily, "What?"

"I think we just had a normal conversation together."

Draco was fully awake now. "We did?" He glanced at Ron as if seeing him in a new light. "Well while it wasn't as fun as beating the shit out of you, I suppose it was bearable."

"I suppose."

More silence filled the air, until it was replaced with the sound of soft snoring. Draco turned his head slightly to find Ron slumped against the wall, head bent down and eyes closed. His breathing, which was extremely labored from the spider episode, was now calm. Draco sighed, and like his redhead rival, slumped against the wall and let his own eyes close. Revenge would have to wait till tomorrow….

Ron snapped out of his thoughts just as Draco began to prod him with an insistent finger. He turned to the blonde Slytherin, who was motioning to the closet down the corridor. Ron nodded his head, and in silence the two moved towards it.

"What do you think is in there?" Ron whispered to Draco, his wand poised. Strange noises were coming from the closet…noises that didn't sound particularly friendly.

"It's probably some first year making out or something like that," Draco whispered back, though he started to take out his wand too. The noises were getting much louder. "Okay," Draco said to Ron once they were in arms-length distance to the door, "I'll open it at the count of three, and then you attack whatever it is that's in there."

"Why can't I count?" Ron whined, looking at the door with apprehension.

"I didn't think you could," Draco replied in a serious tone, though a teasing smile played at his lips.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Oh shut up and get counting already."

"One…two… two and a half… two and…"

"Malfoy, get to the point already!"

"THREE!" Draco twisted the doorknob and slammed the wooden door open…only to find a short girl with long hair. "What the Weasley!" In one quick motion, the girl –a Ravenclaw in 6th Year, Draco discovered later on– grabbed onto Ron's arm and dragged him inside. He heard the girl mutter a spell and the door closed shut. Muffles were coming from inside, and Draco could only imagine the worst. "Shit, shit… open the fucking… wait," he grabbed his wand tightly and yelled, "Alohomora!" Before Draco could grab the doorknob and save his friend, Ron burst through the door and fell on all fours, panting. Draco knelt to check for damages, "Weasley are you okay?" When Ron nodded quickly, the Slytherin turned his attention to the girl, a deadly glare set on his features.

"See you later Ron!" she said in a faux sweet tone, though her eyes never left Draco's. Then, she ran down the corridor and disappeared in the darkness.

"She…she…she…"

Draco bent down once more and asked, "What did she do? Curse you, punch you"

"She kissed me!" Ron wailed unhappily, as he desperately tried to wipe his lips with the end of his cloak. "She bloody hell molested me!"

Draco rolled his eyes at his friend's behavior, before standing up and straightening his own robes. "And here I thought you were dying in there. Bloody hell Weasley…just a stupid kiss." He stuck out his hand and helped the redhead up. "And why are you so freaked about it anyways?"

"Well, I always hoped my first kiss would've been something enjoyable," Ron simply replied, before wiping at his lips one more.

Draco looked at him incredulously, "Weasley…you are something else."

* * *

A.N. Disclaimers are the same. I don't own anything! 

Background of story: Voldemort is dead just because I don't like him. Pansy, Draco and Blaise were on the side of the Light. The characters are a bit OOC. (Or maybe not just a bit.)

Pairings: Obviously, HG/BZ, HP/PP and RW/DM. Other pairings I won't reveal. Warning: This is a slash, so please if you cannot stomach it, then don't bloody read it. Thanks you!


	2. Oh Lord

Chapter 2: Oh Lord.

The next morning, Ron awoke with a start as his alarm clock droned loudly. Dimly, he heard the rustling of the others waking up and the sound of a shower going on. Other than that, silence reigned in the dorm room. Groggily, he moved his legs towards the side of the bed and sat up. "Harry…" he called out sleepily, though it sounded more like a groan.

"Yea?" the brunette asked, as he peeked through Ron's crimson bed curtain. A lopsided grin was on his tired face. Ron also noticed Harry's hair standing out more than usual, as if he just had the… _best shag of his life?_

"Dear God…" Ron groaned loudly this time, as the figure of Pansy appeared behind his best friend. "Don't tell me… oh God…"

"Morning Weasley," Pansy spoke, a smirk etched on her features, "And how are we this lovely morning?"

"Just about to throw up, thank you very much," Ron replied, before setting eyes upon his best friend, "I can't believe you."

"Ron really, we didn't even do anything," was Harry's reply as the brunette threw open the curtain. Both he and Pansy were clad in their school uniform. "Get your mind out of the gutter."

"Alright…alright," Ron mumbled, as he pushed past the two. Just as he was about to enter the bathroom, he added, "Oh and when you see Hermoine, do me a favor and hex the shit out of her. Thank you and goodbye." With that he slammed the door. Harry and Pansy watched with bemused expressions, before shrugging and heading downstairs. There was still ten minutes before breakfast and a nice morning snog was in order.

When Ron pushed open the doors to the Great Hall, the redhead expected one out of three things to happen: one, to have a nice peaceful breakfast that consisted of five plates of whatever the House Elves served that morning; two, to find the couples snogging like crazy, while he lost his appetite for the next two days; or three, to have Voldemort come out of the sky, do the funky chicken and then die…just die.

Unfortunately for Ron, what did happen that morning would have him begging for all three… especially number three.

"Ron!" he heard a familiar voice cry as Hermoine called him over to the Gryffindor table. She was seated in her usual spot at center of Gryffindor table. He glanced over to see Harry at his usual left, while on her right sat… HER!

And by her, meaning that girl who bloody kissed him during Prefect duties. Ron did a double take to make sure. Long black hair and blue eyes… yes it definitely was the girl who –Malfoy so elegantly called it– de-virginized his lips. The redhead narrowed his eyes and refused to move another inch. "I think I'll sit here, thank you very much."

Hermoine only raised her eyebrows. "At the foot of the Great Hall entrance?"

"Well bloody hell Granger," Draco's smooth voice answered, as he moved towards a pouting Ron, "If Weasley wants to spend quality time with the door, then it'd be cruel of you to stop him and his merry old fun. Right Weasley?"

Ron saw the words "Oh Bugger Yourself Malfoy" flash through his mind, but refused to voice them no matter how tempting. Letting Malfoy insult him didn't seem as bad as being in proximity of _her_. At least the Slytherin blonde didn't push him into the closet and kiss…no molest him.

"Weasley," he heard Draco whisper. The redhead snapped out of his thoughts and turned to the boy sitting beside him. "She's gone now…so you can…you know…stop holding my arm like that."

Ron's eyes widened considerably, as he finally registered Draco's arm around his tight grip. He let go immediately and began to apologize. "Sorry. Just…"

"Yea I know, you were molested…you didn't want to be molested again…" Draco continued in a bored tone. A smirk played on his lips, "Now let's go get some food before your stomach starts to work again, and you start to whine like a baby."

The two headed towards the Slytherin table, and sat down near Pansy and Blaise. The two, Draco noticed suspiciously, were talking in hushed tones until their eyes settled upon Ron. Then they stopped altogether. "Hello Weasley," Pansy called out as she patted the empty seat beside her. Ron eyed her warily, but settled on the empty seat anyways. He was starving.

"Pansy, what is this all about?" Draco asked once he settled himself besides Ron. She sent him a look of complete innocence, before turning to the redhead once again.

"Ron before you stuff that in your mouth, I want you to meet someone dear to me." Before Ron could reply, she called over someone from the far end of the table. Like lightening, that person flew towards them and landed…right on Ron's lap.

"Hey Ronnie!" the girl greeted with a high pitch voice.

"Hi…"

The girl ignored the visible grimace on his features and instead took one look at his full plate. With a sigh, she said, "Oh Ronnie, you can't eat things like that. Here, have a piece of lettuce." Ron watched in complete horror as she pushed his plate aside, and conjured up another plate…of lettuce. Once she was done, the girl with raven hair patted him on the cheek lightly, like a mother would do to a baby. "You are so cute!"

That made Draco laugh. "Weasley…cute? What a bloody scary thought."

"DON'T INSULT HIM YOU BAD PERSON!" the girl screamed, her high pitch reaching new heights.

"I can bloody hell insult anyone I please," Draco replied easily, as if her bloodcurdling scream was nothing but a mere whisper. "And now would you please get the shit out of my way and let me eat my breakfast in peace." With that he grabbed Ron's plate –much to the protest of the redhead beside him– and began to munch on a piece of toast. Until the raven hair girl slapped him of course.

As the resounding sound of the slap echoed across the Great Hall, everyone looked up to see what just happened. Even several of the professors, most of who didn't care about the trifles and tribulations of student life, decided to stop all movement.

Quietly and, to the surprise of many, very calmly, Draco placed down his toast onto the plate, stood up and walked out the Great Hall. All eyes were upon him as he did this, especially Ron's. The redhead absolutely thought the blonde would've destroyed the bouncing girl on his lap.

And clearly everyone else in the room.

"My gosh, what a spoiled little child," the girl muttered, causing Ron to twitch. He was about to scream bloody murder at her when suddenly a popping sound could be heard from above. Ron looked overhead and found a levitating pitcher of orange juice. _Draco's doing of course. _He looked to the door and found it creaked open a tiny bit, as the vision of pale gray eyes flashed before his eyes. _Definitely Draco's doing._ And in one second, Ron shoved the girl off of his lap just as the pitcher tipped over and the orange juice landed all on the unsuspecting girl's hair.

Everyone else watched in complete awe as this occurred, before complete pandemonium broke out. Ron vaguely heard Seamus scream out "FOOD FIGHT" before slipping out of the Great Hall and bumping into Draco.

"Bloody brilliant," Ron said once the two were balanced again. Draco only smirked deeply as screams and the sound of food flying filled the air.

"Well I am the best aren't I," the blonde replied smugly. He motioned for Ron to follow him down the corridor.

"I don't know if I could fit, considering that your monstrous ego is taking up the entire space," Ron replied with a smirk of his own. Nevertheless, he quickened his pace till he was in step with the blonde. "So," Ron began, "What are we going to do now?"

Imperturbably, Draco replied, "Well we just poured orange juice on an unsuspecting bitch, started the biggest food fight in all of Hogwarts history, and caused a huge ruckus that will undoubtly end sometime next week. We will probably get detention, yelled at for approximately an hour –give or take a few minutes if it's McGonagall– and get bashed by the Ravenclaws for years to come. So if my calculations are correct, I say we should run for the hills and never return."

Ron snorted at this. "Lovely plan, almighty Draco…except of course the wards on the castle that will probably disintegrate our bodies if we try to cross them."

"Oh yes, that."

"Yes, that."

Draco placed a slim finger to his temple, tapping it gently as if in deep thought. "Well I suppose we could go for a bit of flying, then swing over to the Headmasters office where I'm sure our doom awaits."

A pause.

"Fine with me."

Twenty minutes after the food fight of all food fights started, a very peeved McGonagall stormed through the room and stopped all actions with the flick of her wrist. Steam seemed to be pouring out of her ears as she reprimanded each and every student for participating in such a "grotesque" activity. With a booming voice she ordered everyone to clean up the mess…muggle style. Obviously, not everyone was amused.

"Where the hell are Ron and Malfoy," Harry asked as he edged towards Hermoine. The brunette was busy scrubbing some of the stains from the table Seamus happened to spread the syrup on, causing everything to stick like glue. Harry, himself, was helping by detangling all the utensils from the mass of syrup. It was not a pretty sight indeed.

"I think Marie was a little too strong for Ron," Hermoine replied absentmindedly, as she continued scrubbing a particularly difficult spot. Harry only stared at her incredulously. "Oh did you say something Harry?"

"No, lets discuss what you said."

"Oh yes do tell!" Pansy butt in, as she wrapped an arm around Harry. Blaise was behind her, with a mop in one hand and a bucket in the other.

"Pansy, I told you to help me!" the boy whined, as he dropped the two items unceremoniously. He sent a glare at her direction, though immediately softened at the sight of his girlfriend. "Hey love. Now what's this thing I'm hearing about Marie being too strong for Ron?"

"She just is," was her simple reply. Everyone looked at her expectedly. "Well I mean, at first I thought her hyperactive nature would match with Ron."

Pansy looked at her with wide eyes. "That girl nearly killed me with her squeaky voice and crazy attitude. Ron may be odd, but he's not," she paused as a few Ravenclaws passed by, "BLOODY INSANE."

"True…" Hermoine sighed, "Though he can be close when he's sugar high."

"Don't remind me." Harry reminisced, as his lips formed a wide grin, "He and Draco nearly destroyed our eardrums singing that rock song over and over again."

"…Then they bounced on all the furniture..."

"…Leaving the greatest mess in our Common Room…"

"…That I heard even rivals the mess after Dean and Seamus last fight..."

"Good times."

"Good times."

The Slytherins looked at their respective partners with eyebrows raised. "So that's what Draco was doing that night he didn't come back to the dungeons," they both said simultaneously. "And here we thought he was getting the best shag of his life."

"Speaking of Malfoy," Harry intervened, not really eager to hear about his ex-arch-enemy's escapades. And _oh_ were there many. "Who have you decided to hook him up with?"

A grin played on Pansy's lips as she motioned to a tall girl trying to brush the crumbs of a scone out of her hair. The girl, Harry had to admit, was beautiful…even with the scone. Her eyes were of a pale blue, like the sky after a soft spring shower, and her skin was a creamy pale. Her fingers were long and manicured, with a tint of blue on nail's edge. She smiled gently at him once their eyes met and he quickly turned to Pansy… who was tapping her foot impatiently.

"Now since my boyfriend stopped goggling," she sent a playful glare at him, "I can finally show you who the girl is."

Harry looked at her incredulously. "Wait…the girl I was looking at wasn't her?"

Pansy rolled her eyes, as she lightly smacked her forehead, "Of course not! Luna would absolutely murder us if we touched Aurora."

Now this made Harry's eyes widen even more. "Wait…Luna…and her…"

"Duh," the three replied with deadpanned looks upon their faces. "Weren't you listening when Luna announced it after dinner?" Hermoine asked, secretly wondering if her best friend was off his rocker. Just a week ago, Luna decided to visit the Gryffindor Common Room to tell the trio about the new love of her life. And to Hermoine's knowledge, Harry was definitely there.

"Oh that's what she was talking about!" Harry replied happily, as things finally clicked. "I just though they were good friends."

"Good friends who kiss?" Blaise asked, his face mirroring his girlfriend's look of disbelief.

"Well Seamus and Dean are good friends and they kiss all the time."

Pause.

"Oh Harry," Pansy proclaimed loudly in an exasperated voice. She grabbed hold of his hand and began to drag him out the door. "I think I need to spend some more time educating you." She sent a quick wave towards Hermoine and Blaise before waltzing out the door with Harry in tow.

The two left behind burst out laughing when Harry's voice drifted down the hallway, "But Pansy you already went over potion's homework this morning."

"That boy is so oblivious," Blaise commented once the laughter ceased. The pair were back to cleaning the remainder of Draco and Ron's food fight…or at least Blaise was back to cleaning. Hermoine was plotting evilly. "So what is your idea now?" he asked, while rubbing at a few stains that just wouldn't go away.

"Oh nothing," she replied nonchalantly while waving her wand and clearing the stains with one flick of her wrist. "Just thinking about the two troublemakers."

"You mean the ambiguously stupid duo?"

"Who… I GOT IT!" Hermoine screamed at the top of her lungs. All eyes in the Great Hall turned to watch the brunette prefect jump up and down in excitement. "I got it, I got it, I got it…" She grabbed Blaise's hands and moved them to her beat. "I got it, I…"

"Love, you're scaring the little children," was Blaise's simple reply as he motioned to a group of first years eyeing them with apprehension. They were all huddling in the corner with wide eyes and agape mouths.

Hermoine sent them a sheepish grin, before turning to her boyfriend in complete excitement. "I have the plan of all plans!"


	3. Where the Hell are They Coming From?

Chapter 3: Where the Hell are They Coming From?

"Detention for the rest of your lives!"

Ron shivered at her very words, as he and Draco watched a very peeved Deputy Headmistress pace back and forth. The two, after a wondrous hours of flying around the Quidditch Pitch, found themselves planted on the leather seats of the Headmaster's office...and not for afternoon tea.

"Lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked, as he lifted the tray before the two boys.

"Albus! Really now is not the time!" McGonagall huffed angrily. "These boys are..."

"Probably very hungry for missing breakfast. Don't worry Minerva, it's just a lemon drop." He interrupted, the twinkle in his eye and a smile playing on his thin lips. He shook the tray a bit to jostle the shocked boys back to reality. "Well?"

"Oh...umm..." Draco muttered softly, before shaking his head, "No thanks."

"And you Mr. Weasley?"

"Oh I'll take a bunch if that's alright Headmaster!" Ron replied happily, as he slowly and meticulously placed a few in the palm of his hand. When the redhead returned to his seat, he immediately began to chew loudly on one, causing McGonagall's glare to deepen...significantly.

"Now continuing where I left off..." she sent Dumbledore a pointed look, "...before I was so rudely interrupted... Food everywhere, house elves very unhappy, the entire Ravenclaw House ready to throttle you, and that's only half of the story! What were you exactly thinking? Or were you even thinking at all? I HAVE NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS SEEN SUCH BEHAVIOR, NOT EVEN FROM THE WEASLEY TWINS!"

"Now Minerva...I do recall a time when..."

"ALBUS THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO COMPARE NOTES!"

Gulp.

"Sorry."

"Now boys, before I punish you with three months of detention, no Hogsmeade privileges until winter, and complete and utter hell until the summer, would you like to explain to me WHAT COMPELLED YOU TO DO SUCH A THING?"

"SHE'S CRAZY!" the redhead yelled out immediately, his blue eyes wide and full of fear. Draco's own eyes followed suit, as the two started "telling" their side of the story with earnest.

"Grabbed him in the closet and molested him!"

"And don't forget slapped him without any reason!"

"Forced him to eat lettuce of all things!"

"Nearly yelled his ear off! I'm surprised he's not deaf yet!"

"Called him 'cute'! I mean WHO CALLS A GUY 'CUTE'?"

"AND WE JUST DON'T LIKE HER!" both boys cried out as the grand and final reason, before plopping down on their leather chairs and breathing heavily.

McGonagall could only stare in complete disbelief, while Dumbledore cracked a smile behind his hand.

"Is that all boys?" she asked after a few seconds of silence.

Two nods.

"Well then, you may go."

And with that, the two boys scurried out of the office and down the steps like a bolt of lightning.

Once out of sight, the Deputy Headmistress plopped down on the most adjacent chair –once seated by the redhead- and held her head in the palm of her hands. "Oh Albus, those boys are going to be the end of me," she moaned loudly, causing many of the portraits to "aww" in pity.

"Oh Minerva," Dumbledore replied, as he handed her a tissue and a cup of tea, "I doubt two boys with a mischievous streak will be the death of you... maybe a snake with large claws, or so Sibyll predicted... but definitely not two boys."

The Deputy Headmistress sent him a deep glare, as she muttered unhappily, "Albus, you are completely failing to make this situation any better."

"Well it could've been worse," he replied with a twinkle in his eye.

"Give me one reason how this ruddy day could be any worse!" she snapped back, challenging him.

Carefully he took out a small bowl, which Minerva immediately recognized as his pensive, and started to search through the memories sealed within. He then summoned a lifetime of memories of two boys, a redhead and a blonde, beating the absolute shit out of each other. As the years passed swiftly before her eyes and the boys grew to become young men, she suddenly knew what Dumbledore meant.

After Dumbledore stopped the flow of recollections and returned the pensive to its rightful place, he found Minerva sagged into her chair, a little scowl on her face. "I hate you, you know that."

"Yes, yes," he replied, a wide grin now on his features.

Silence.

"Five galleons for two months."

A handshake.

"Deal."

-------

Once out of the Professor McGonagall's clutches, Ron and Draco let out a breath of relief as the two made their way down the winding stairs and towards the main corridor of the school.

"I thought she would've expelled us for sure," the redhead whispered to his companion, as he wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead.

"Or at least hung us with our ties," the blonde prefect answered back, though he didn't copy his friend's movements. Sweating in any circumstance was completely undignified for a Malfoy. "Though it is a pity that Hogsmeade is completely off limits now."

"Well legally that is."

Draco's eyes widened significantly, as he turned to his friend and cried, "Ron Weasley! Never in my day...how could you even think of such a horrific thing?"

Raised eyebrow. "Are you trying your impression of Hermoine again?"

"Did it work?"

"Remember last week when I told you that you were absolute shit."

Eyes wide with hope. "And?"

"You're still absolute shit."

Silence.

"Well worth a shot."

Ron opened his mouth to retort, but a cool hand on his arm prevented him from...thinking. The redhead turned his head and looked down to find a pretty brunette walking right besides him. Her blue eyes were shining brilliantly and her lips were set in a lovely grin. But all those qualities, really lovely qualities Ron would confess later on, were easily forgotten by the single fact that her hand was latched onto his arm.

Weird.

"Umm, hi?" the redhead tried after several failed attempts to regain his voice.

"Yes, hello," Draco added sharply, while a glare set in. He hated it when people interrupted conversations, especially when it was _his _conversation in the first place!

Unfortunately the idiot -Draco's nickname for her later on- didn't get the message by a mile and continued to smile up at Ron like he was offering her a million galleons and a beach home in the Bahamas.

"Hi," she flirtatiously replied back, with an added wink for good measure.

Ron was now thoroughly confused. "Right..." he ran a hand through his hair, "I think you have the wrong person. Umm, maybe you're looking for Alex in Hufflepuff. He has bright red hair like mine too."

But when she only latched on tighter, Ron knew she wasn't looking for Alex at all...or anyone else for that matter.

Now throughout this very short exchange, Draco was becoming more annoyed by the second. "WHO DOES THIS GIRL THINK SHE IS?" he practically screamed in his head once the girl started to casually play with Ron's hair like she was his _eww_ girlfriend. "Can you bloody leave already?" he mumbled angrily once her fingers started to trail lower.

The girl apparently heard him, for she looked up at him for the first time. Slowly, as if calculating a very difficult problem, she looked at Ron and Draco, then Ron again. Then, much to the boys' confusion, her lips formed a small "O" before untangling herself from the redhead's arm and walking away...

...muttering like a crazy fool.

"Well that was weird," Ron said nonchalantly as he and Draco continued their trek down the hallway.

"You act as if random girls come up to you everyday and start..." Draco sneered at the very thought, "No, too gross to even talk about."

Laughter. "You're just like Harry."

"WHAT?"

"Well whenever..."

But his voice trailed off as another girl, this time a Slytherin, came up to the two. "Hello Draco," she murmured seductively.

"Hello."

"Loved the fight this morning, it was absolutely..." she licked her lips, "Exhilarating."

"Cool."

"Well see you around." And with that, she passed by them with ease and down the hall.

Ron watched her figure disappear around a corner before he set his eyes on Draco. "That was random."

"Yea, don't see that everyday."

Silence.

"So how the hell am I like scarhead again?"

-------

In the shadows of the same corridor, Hermoine watched the two oblivious boys pass her by. With a sigh she turned to the two girls hiding behind her.

"And they didn't do anything at all?" she asked them one more time, just in case.

Both shook their head, much to her disappointment.

"He acted like I was going to eat him alive or something," the girl who "flirted" with Ron spoke up.

The Slytherin for Draco nodded her head in agreement, "He barely spoke to me. And that's something since I usually see him yacking his mouth off to Ron."

The Gryffindor prefect let out a sigh, as thoughts began to swirl in her head. "Now why would they do that..."

"Umm, well Hermoine it did seem like the two were very...into each other," one of the girls answered.

Hermoine only gave them an incredulous look, before her eyes lit up with excitement. "That's it! I just have to distract them..." She began to mumble under her breath, though the other two girls couldn't catch a word.

"Wow, Granger is really nuts," the Slytherin whispered to her friend as Hermoine began to make weird hand gestures in the air. Her companion just nodded, as she glued her eyes to the brunette before them.

"Alright girls," Hermoine spoke after a brief episode of insanity, "Send in the troops. We are going to war!"

-------

If Ron or Draco knew what would happen next, both would have chosen to stay in bed with the pillow over their heads and refuse to move an inch until the day ended or Hermoine was locked up in a loony bin.

Unfortunately they did not.

So as the two continued their way towards the Slytherin Dungeons –Draco had to get his books after all and Ron refused to go anywhere alone after the "creepy-girls-are-after-me" incidents- the two noticed a good number of girls passing them by...every single second.

"Hey sexy," the twentieth one asked, as she "casually" brushed her hand against Ron's arm.

Draco was having his own problems as a set of twins passed him by, each grabbing a piece of his arse with their "friendly" greeting.

"Ron," Draco muttered to his shocked friend as the set of girls wandered away, "What the hell did you do?"

Ron, who was now blushing from all the unnecessary attention, shot back, "ME? How the hell is this all my fault?"

"Well, you're the one who started this mess in the first place!" Draco grumbled angrily, before mumbling the Slytherin password. "And anyways," he continued once the two entered the Common Room, "Only an idiot like you would get trapped in a closet and kissed to near death."

"Well excuse me!" Ron shot back as he held the door open for the blonde, "And at least I didn't get harassed by getting my arse smacked / pinched."

"Which was entirely your fault!" Draco retorted, as he walked through his room. He waited for Ron to enter before he slammed the door shut and double locked. "What?"

Ron shook his head. "Never mind."

"Right."

"Right."

"It's still your fault."

"Back to this again?" the Gryffindor scowled angrily,  
"Draco, for the thirteenth time in a row, I did not purposely send those girls to molest us!"

Draco's glare deepened, though he kept his eyes off the redhead and fixated on the pile of papers before him. He started to sort through each and everyone, grumbling as he went about stupid redheads, girls and well Potter...because Potter was just always to blame.

Ron watched the blonde unhappily, as he crossed his arms in defiance. "So what, you're going to ignore me now?"

"No," he replied back, a stack of papers in his hand, "You are going to hold this for me and whatever other things I'm going to shove in your hands for the next five minutes."

"Oh shove off," Ron shot back, though his arms were already outstretched for the Slytherin.

Silence passed as Draco worked to put sort the mess, and Ron struggled to hold the huge pile together before everything toppled over. It was only when Draco finished stuffing everything into his bag –charmed so that it could fit everything and anything- when the two started speaking again.

"Sorry," Draco muttered a bit snappishly, though Ron could tell it was sincere.

"Okay," was his simply reply, as a grin formed on his lips. "Now let's get to the Gryffindor Tower before the 'suck facers' decide to invade it again."

"I doubt that'll happen considering how much homework Blaise and Hermoine would love to tell us all about. Really, why couldn't we have had the food fight on a Saturday..."

Ron smacked his head, very unhappy of the reminder, "Well at least today's Friday so we can just...ignore them...or run away...or whatever."

Suddenly, the two boys heard a tap from the window, as a huge raven came to view. Draco opened it –after taking off five locks, to Ron's amusement- and let the bird come in. Immediately, the bird dropped a letter into the Slytherin's hands and flew out...but not after pecking Ron on the head...four times.

"Goddamn that bird," he cursed with a scowl on his face, before curiously looking over to read the letter over Draco's shoulder. "So you made a fool of yourself with that..." he started to read, before Draco snatched the letter from the redhead's sight.

"Like I'm going to let you read this," he said with a mock grin, "It is from my super secret sexy girlfriend after all!"

"Right, your super secret sexy girlfriend is Professor Snape? I never knew you were into that sort of kinky shit!" Ron replied through bouts of laughter.

Malfoy sent him a rude hand gesture in return. "Now shut up before I actually read all of this out loud and thoroughly embarrass the pants out of you."

Ron snorted, "Like what, 'Ron Weasley is a pig-headed brat who should be wiped out of the face of this earth...or at least as far away from my vision as possible.' Or some jazz like that?"

"Well actually, more like 'Ron Weasley is a pig-headed brat who looks awfully good in arse-less leather chaps and fuzzy pink handcuffs.'"

"Draco...I think I need to throw up 10 YEARS WORTH OF FOOD THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" Ron screeched, as Draco laughed...and laughed.

After his laughing fit died down, Draco opened his mouth to retort, before starting another laughing fit...that lasted all from his room to the entrance of the Slytherin dorms. "Well, I shall see to it that your lover is all well and dandy _(Ron- oh shut up Malfoy!)_," Draco said with a smirk, "While you gather all your crap and head to our spot."

"Fine," Ron grumbled under his breath, though loud enough for the blond to hear, "And you better not be late like last time."

"Ah whatever you say," Draco replied, as he started to make his way the other direction, "King of the Kinky."

"SHUT UP MALFOY!"

-------

Ah I'm so sorry for not updating sooner! But, here is the story and I hope you enjoy/find extreme entertainment in it! Oh and thanks a huge lot to my reviewers! You guys are so cool!


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